As an angel, sometimes you were just directed to go someplace and once you got there, you had no idea why you had been sent and this was very true for Monica on this warm, late afternoon. As she squished her toes down into the sand, she observed the large lake with a combination of admiration and fear. It was definitely serene and beautiful and the water lapping lazily upon the shore was certainly a sound that could easily lull her to sleep had she been lying down and snuggled up with her angelic “boyfriend”, Andrew. But on the other hand, bodies of water had always been something that inspired fear in the little angel’s heart as she was in no way a strong swimmer. Oh, swimming pools were sort of okay as she could clearly see the bottom and human beings tended to mark them with exactly how deep they were and at what point, but natural bodies of water, creations of the Father, were to be strictly respected. Not being able to see the bottom of lakes and oceans was intimidating enough and then there was the fear of maybe getting her foot caught on a rock that might pull her under or not being able to touch bottom and then growing tired of swimming or treading water. No, as an angel of God, Monica could not die, but she also had no desire to even almost experience drowning.
The sand felt cool and comforting between her toes and the Irish angel knelt down to more closely observe the little rocks that lined the shore, each one looking as if it had been polished by none other than the Father Himself and were as many different colors as what was found inside a box of crayons. Monica supposed they served as a reminder that there were no accidents or coincidences in God’s perfect plan, but after her last assignment she was finding cause to doubt the wisdom of her own thoughts.
Some humans just didn’t want to change their spots, not even when an angel was standing before them speaking heavenly truth and John Tracey had been one of those humans. An alcoholic and a drug user with a wife and two beautiful children, John would often drink and then take out his anger on Christine, his wife, while his two children watched in horror. John’s eldest child, Jacob, had already been suspended from school twice and the boy was only ten, but he had been imitating his father’s way of dealing with problems. Unfortunately, the violence hadn’t been working for either of them.
Tess had warned her to be careful of when she chose to speak the truth to John because of his violent nature, but Monica had found it increasingly difficult to find a moment when John was not under the influence of some substance. She had been filling in as a substitute teacher for Jacob’s class and when the moment of truth had finally arrived, not only had John refused her message from God. No, he had gone a step further than that and had dealt with the issue the only way he had known how. By striking her.
Though God had taken away the white hot pain of John’s fist meeting her cheek, Monica had been devastated. Even though Tess had tried to reassure her that she had not failed and that John was simply not ready to listen, God had known the heaviness of her heart and she supposed that was why He had sent her here.
Maybe she was supposed to remember that human beings were as unpredictable as bodies of water and that no matter how inviting most of them could look, there was still the possibility of danger. But even as that fleeting thought crossed the angel’s mind, it sounded trite and petty and she knew that was not how her heavenly Father wanted her to view the human race. Unfortunately, Monica seemed to have little control right now over how she felt.
Reaching for two slightly larger stones, she stood back up and positioned the first rock between her fingers. A long time ago, long before she and Andrew had known just how deeply they loved each other, he had tried to teach her to skip stones and she had been hopeless. Now, she gazed at the rock in her fingers thoughtfully, desperately wanting to prove to herself that she was good at something as right now she certainly wasn’t feeling like a very good angel.
Nibbling on her lower lip for a moment, she took a practice aim and then tried to release the stone smoothly across the water. But the stone had other ideas. Refusing to skim the top of the lake, it simply soared over the water and landed with a PLUNK into the water where it vanished from her sight. Now feeling more defiant, Monica positioned the second stone in her fingers and hurled it as well, only to have the same result as the first time.
Much to her own surprise, her dark eyes filled with tears as she stared at the place the rock had landed, her vision turning the lake and the trees across the way into a water colored portrait. How could she make John listen to her when she couldn’t even skip a wee stone?
Before the tears could fall, a stone went skipping across the water in front of her, skimming the top of the lake six times before finally sinking. Before she could even turn around, she heard his voice.
“You almost had it, Angel. All you need is a little more practice.”
Monica’s face lit up with a smile at the sight of Andrew, his blond hair slightly mussed from the breeze and his green eyes twinkling with love and adoration as he looked at her.
“Andrew!” Her previous sadness temporarily forgotten, she ran the few steps to be caught up in his strong arms, laughing as he spun her around and completely delighted to be in his embrace again after two weeks of not seeing him, “I missed you terribly!”
Setting her back on her feet, Andrew gazed into her dark eyes, “My precious angel, you have no idea.” Catching her face in his hands, he took in every delicate feature, from her sparkling doe-like eyes which contained the tiniest hint of sadness, to her slightly pale cheeks. He knew that these subtle changes in her usually cheerful and rosy disposition were really only obvious to him as he knew her so well. Andrew doubted even Tess or Sam would know at this moment that deep inside, something was troubling the little angel as she was smiling up him with trusting eyes, but he knew and he would get it out of her eventually.
His green eyes moved to her lips and unable to wait another moment, he pressed his firmly to hers, hearing the contented little sigh that emerged from her. His fingers touched the delicate skin along her jaw line and his heart sped up when she silently begged for more. As the kiss deepened. Andrew suppressed a smile as Monica stood up on tiptoe to better reach him, her own small hands linked behind his neck.
When the sweet moment finally ended, she found her breath and then whispered, “I love you so much, Andrew. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too, Angel and you know how much I love you right back.” Moving to stand behind her, he wrapped his arms around her small waist and kissed her cheek, “Looks like we both have some time off here on our own private little beach.”
“We do?” Monica tilted her head back to gaze up at him hopefully.
“Take a look, my little Angel Girl.”
As he turned her around, Monica gasped at the sweet little cabin that suddenly appeared just beyond the shore. It was made of logs and the porch that wrapped the whole way around it was decorated with rocking chairs and little tables. There was even a porch swing and just beside the porch tied between two trees was a hammock.
“Oh Andrew! Isn’t it beautiful?” Grabbing his hand, Monica pulled him, laughing up the shore and then up the steps of the cabin. The front door opened easily and the inside enchanted her every bit as much as the exterior did. The living room was cozy with hardwood floors and a stone fireplace. The furniture had afghans draped over it and just beyond the living room was a small and fully stocked kitchen. In the other direction there was a bathroom and two bedrooms, both beds covered with beautiful patchwork quilts.
Andrew held back a chuckle at the little girl sparkle in Monica’s eyes that so clearly showed her pleasure over this gift. The trace of grief he had seen in her was now buried deeper beneath the surface and he was content with that for the moment. He knew better than to push her before she was ready, but he had no doubt at all that she would eventually come to him with the problem or at least allow him to gently pry it from her.
“Andrew, there’s coffee!” Her glee was hard to miss and at this he allowed himself to laugh.
“Do you really think that the Father would send his beloved little Irish angel on a vacation and not allow her to have coffee?” Andrew grinned, though it faded somewhat at the look that briefly came across her face.
His words had startled her for some reason. Monica was feeling like such a miserable failure deep inside that the reminder of God’s love for her had caused her to feel a twinge of doubt that she was deeply ashamed of. Seeing the concern flicker in Andrew’s eyes though, she slipped her façade back into place and smiled, “No, I don’t suppose he would. Are you hungry? Can I make you something?”
Those words were always enough to make Andrew’s heart both swell with love and accelerate in fear. Monica had always lacked in any culinary ability, but her dear soul made her want to do things for him to make him happy. One day he might be able to convince her that to make him happy, all she needed to do was to be in his arms.
“You know what, Angel? As this is your surprise I’m afraid I will have to insist on pampering you tonight and cooking, though I would be quite honored to have your company with me in the kitchen.” He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips, delighting in the blush that rose to her cheeks.
“If you insist.” She replied coyly, a playful grin firmly in place.
Guiding her into the kitchen, and after a loving kiss on her cheek, Andrew set her to work cutting up some vegetables for their salad as he worked on making the sauce for their spaghetti. Though he liked the Italian dish well enough, it was Monica who truly loved it and was most amused by it. The first time she had eaten it with him, she had been terribly funny with sucking in the long noodles, one so fast it had back lashed and splayed sauce all over her nose and cheek. She had been much more careful since that time, though Andrew always had to smile at the adorable memory.
The little angel chatted amiably all throughout the dinner preparations and dinner itself and by the time they had cleaned up the kitchen and done the dishes, it was already dark outside and Monica’s eyes were beginning to droop. Andrew had a feeling that her last assignment had been a difficult one that had emotionally drained her and he wasn’t surprised when she fell asleep leaning up against him on the couch at just past nine ‘o clock.
Tenderly, he scooped her up into his arms and carried her back the hall. After tucking her into bed, Andrew just stood next to her, gazing down at her beautiful porcelain face and wondering at the secrets she was keeping at the moment. He knew that if Tess were to show up, he would not be above asking her what had Monica so deeply upset that she was trying to hide it from him.
*****
The look of indecision on Monica’s face was one Andrew wished he could capture in his heart and keep for all eternity.
“Angel, I promise I will not let anything happen to you,” He coaxed her gently as they stood outside on the shore the next morning after breakfast. They were both dressed to swim but he was starting to doubt any water would be involved at all.
“I know you won’t.” She hedged, but it was blatantly obvious to them both that she was not yet showing any signs of moving, “Andrew, I just…it scares me.”
Compassion filled the depths of his green eyes as he let his hands rest on her waist, “Baby, I know it does, which is why I want to help you to know that there is little to really be afraid of. You know how to swim-.”
“But I’m not good at it, Andrew,” Her plea and the sweet way she said his name with her thick Irish brogue caused his heart to ache pleasantly.
“Now who told you that, Angel?” Andrew’s expression was stern as he waited for an answer. Something had tripped her up terribly on her last assignment, of that he was certain. Her confidence in her own abilities seemed rattled and that only caused his concern to deepen.
“No one has to tell me. It’s just a fact.”
“Well, a fact isn’t a fact until it is proven, Monica,” He tried to reason with her, but her stubborn expression remained firmly in place. He elected to play the one card that always worked, “Baby, don’t you trust me to take care of you?”
Monica blinked, “Of course I do! You always take care of me!”
Her earnest expression told him he had won, “Then trust me to take care of you in the water. I promise I will not let you go.”
“Promise?” Monica was still skeptical but not about trusting Andrew. She trusted him with her whole heart; it was herself she didn’t trust at the moment.
“You have my word.” Extending his hand, he waited until she took it and then he slowly guided her into the water.
“It’s warm,” She observed, obviously surprised at that bit of information.
“Of course it is, Angel. I wouldn’t have asked you to come in if it was freezing,”
His eyes twinkled mischievously as they went in a little deeper and he turned his back to the water to take her other hand into his as well, “You okay?” His expression turned to concern.
Monica nodded her head as she squeezed his hands reassuringly. She waited until Andrew finally stopped walking, noting how the water was still well below her shoulders, “Have I told you how happy I am to see you?” She asked, tilting her head up slightly to look at him.
“Hmmm….No, I don’t think you have…at least not today.” He replied with a wink.
“Well, I am,” She insisted, giggled as he pulled her closer.
“I am always more than happy to see you, Monica,” Andrew stated softly before he brushed his lips with her, “But I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I love you.” Not wanting to say anything to upset her, but still knowing there was more to say, he continued gently, “In fact, I love you so much that I can see in your eyes and feel in my heart that something is bothering you.” Seeing her about to protest, he raised his hand and pressed a finger to her lips, “Shh. You don’t have to say anything until you are ready to tell me. Just know that I know that something is not quite right and that I want very much to help make it right when you are ready.”
Her huge doe eyes blinked back tears as she struggled to keep her voice steady, “I know that. I do and please, Andrew, know that it has nothing to do with you. I just…some things just make my heart ache and sometimes those things are hard to put into words. But as soon as I find those words, I promise to share them with you.”
His hand moved to stroke her cheek, “I hate to see you hurting, Angel.”
“Ah, Andrew, I know that too, but please know that you being here makes it not hurt quite so much.”
He wanted to believe her words, but the pain in her eyes was still all too present for his liking and not knowing what was so terribly wrong was eating away at him.
*****
After their successful morning swim, the two angels decided they needed to venture into town if they wanted to eat over the next few days. Andrew noted how Monica was still unusually quiet on the drive down the mountain as normally she would be chattering nonstop and making comments about the little things she saw and thought. But he summed it up to whatever had happened on her last assignment and continued to summon his own inner patience to not badger her into telling him. The problem was his innate need to fix anything that was upsetting the little angel and this problem was hard to fix if he didn’t know where to begin.
They found a little country market that enchanted Monica as from the outside it looked like a larger version of their little cabin. When she stepped inside, she felt as if she had been transported back in time as she gazed at the wooden shelves laden with food and other necessities. The young woman behind the counter greeted them both warmly and after the angels assured her they didn’t need any help, Andrew grabbed a small basket in his hand and they strolled down the aisles.
The conversation was light hearted as they added a few small items to the basket; some meat from the deli for sandwiches, bread, milk and eggs as well as some other fresh meats for dinners. Neither of them had any idea of how long they would be staying at the cabin but they also knew that they could always venture back into town if their supplies ran low.
They were just getting ready to check out, when Monica looked up at Andrew in alarm, “Andrew! Coffee!”
He chuckled at her very worried expression, “It’s fine, Angel. Go and get what you need and I’ll wait for you.”
She grinned sheepishly and then stood up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek, “Be right back.”
The little angel scanned the shelves for her coffee and was delighted at the wonderful selection. There was vanilla, Irish Cream, Hazelnut and chocolate flavors among others and she nibbled her lower lip trying to decide which she wanted to try. Only the sound of voices from the back of the store brought her out of her reverie.
“I told you no!” The man’s voice was angry and Monica could hear the sound of a woman crying softly, “That brat doesn’t need that crap! He’ll eat what we have! We can’t afford it!”
“We could if you’d quit gambling away our money in those tip jars at the bar!” The woman shot back.
There was a sound of rustling that made Monica flinch and she knew the angry man had grabbed hold of her.
“Don’t you backtalk me, woman! I can curb your mouth the same way I do that bastard kid of yours!”
The little angel felt rooted to the spot. She felt as if she should intervene, but yet she was too afraid to move. Her mind remembered the way that John had yelled at her when she had simply tried to reason with him. Thankfully, before she could decide to break up the argument, Monica heard the woman back down.
“Fine. Get what you want, Mark. After all, you know best.” Before she could say anymore, a startled cry escaped her.
“Don’t you dare walk away from me, Crystal!” The man was trying his best to keep his voice down so as not to attract any attention, but the venom was difficult to miss, “You don’t want me to have to teach you another lesson, now do you?”
Monica couldn’t listen to anymore, but yet fear kept her from interrupting. Not even bothering with the coffee, she moved in a quiet rush back up to the front of the store.
Andrew’s smile faded as he saw the paleness of her face, “Angel? What is it? What’s the matter?”
She could barely get the words out, “Andrew…the people in the back of the store…they need help…please…I can’t. I just can’t.”
His anxiety shot through the roof, but he immediately dropped the basket and walked briskly back through the store, only seeing out of the corner of his eye the fact that Monica was already out the front door of the shop.
As he neared the back of the store, he could just make out the voices and Andrew immediately approached them with a sheepish smile on his face, “Excuse me. I can’t seem to find the coffee. You know where it is in this store?”
Though his words were innocent enough, they immediately stopped the argument that had been rapidly getting out of control. The woman blinked back tears and forced a relieved smile, “Y-yes, I do. Mark?”
Mark felt his anger beginning to diminish as he managed a smile, “Sure Crystal. I’ll wait for you up front.”
Andrew followed Crystal to the aisle and after he thanked her and selected a can of Irish Cream coffee for Monica, he too, headed up to the checkout counter. The couple Monica had been so upset about now seemed to be speaking quietly to one another and the Angel of Death was relieved that he would not have to further intervene. He was doubly glad of that fact because all he could think about at the moment was getting out of the store and locating the little angel.
A little relief was brought to his heart when he stepped outside and saw Monica leaning up against the car, even if she was frantically wiping away her tears. He approached her and after setting the two bags he was carrying on the hood of the caddy, Andrew quickly wrapped the angel up in his arms as his hand stroked her hair soothingly. He had no idea what she really needed right now, but he was certain that this was a good start.
“I’m sorry,” Monica murmured after a moment, “I didn’t mean to throw you into that. That man was just getting so angry and I was afraid he might do…say something…he’d…they’d both regret.”
“Angel, you know I never mind,” Andrew replied gently as he pulled away just enough to tilt her head with fingers beneath her chin, “So an apology is not warranted. What I do mind however, is not knowing what made my little angel so upset in the first place as it isn’t like her to run away from anyone who needs help.”
Her expression filled with shame though she shrugged her shoulders helplessly, “I don’t know what came over me, Andrew.”
“I think maybe you do,” He whispered tenderly as his hand moved to stroke her cheek, “I just wish you’d tell me and let me help you, baby.”
“You are helping,” Monica insisted weakly, “You’re being here helps more than you know. Andrew, please, can we just go back to the cabin?”
He was unable to suppress a small sigh and then felt terrible when he saw her bite her lower lip in response, “Of course we can, sweetie.”
She helped him place the groceries in the trunk and then he opened her door for her, waiting until she was inside to close it securely. He would have to get better at disguising his frustration, but yet seeing the little angel in such emotional pain and not being able to help her was making him feel completely helpless.
*****
The evening at the cabin was quiet, which only added to the blonde angel’s concern. Monica was unwilling to talk about what had happened in the store, yet she seemed unable to think of anything else. Dinner was a silent affair, with Andrew trying to make small talk with her as the little angel pushed the food around on her plate.
Finally, when Monica started to clear the table, Andrew took the plates from her hand and set them down, before taking her hand and pulling her into the living room. Her expression was so broken, so sad, that he had to say something.
Pushing her gently down onto the couch, he knelt in front of her and laid his hands tenderly on her knees as he looked into her already tear filled eyes, “Angel, you know I have already said that I’m not going to push you into telling me what is wrong and I will honor that promise. What I already know however is that whatever hurt you so badly on your last assignment has stolen something from you that is very precious to me,” Seeing the quizzical look cross her face, he reached up with one hand to stroke her cheek, “Your confidence, baby. When I got here yesterday, I could feel your distress over not being able to skip a stone and today in the water when you told me you were a terrible swimmer. Then of course, in the store, when you didn’t feel like you were qualified to help those people.”
Great sorrow filled his angelic heart as he watched the tears that had been brimming in the little angel’s eyes begin to trickle down her cheeks, “Monica, my little angel, please listen to me. Don’t let anyone take your incredible free spirit away from you. There is no one, NO ONE any better qualified to help someone than you are. Your compassion, your bravery, your tender heart, the love that radiates from you, baby, it’s amazing and they are qualities that I love so much about you; Qualities that the Father gave to you when He created you. Don’t let anyone snuff those out, baby. Please. I beg you.”
A small sob escaped her as she threw herself into his arms and buried her face against the nape of his neck and all Andrew could do was to hold her tightly and say a silent prayer for her healing. The pain in her heart ran so deep that he could feel it radiating within his own soul and he was desperate to help her, “Monica please, I love you so much. Just let me help you. Tell me what is hurting you so much.”
“Can’t…” She wept softly, “I can’t yet. I’m so ashamed, Andrew.”
“Angel, though I don’t know what happened, as sure I’m holding you; I know you did nothing to be ashamed of.” Turning his head, he kissed her temple repeatedly, “Shh. It’s going to be all right, Angel Girl.”
Andrew held her until her tears subsided and even then, she didn’t let go of him. His words to her ran through her head like a mantra: she was brave, she was confident, she was compassionate. The only problem was that she didn’t feel like she was any of those things right now.
*****
Monica’s eyelashes fluttered the next morning before her sleepy eyes opened and she realized she was in bed. She hadn’t remembered even coming upstairs last night. Her last memory was of sitting on the couch in Andrew’s arms as he stroked her hair. She must have drifted off and he had brought her up to bed.
Her heart ached at the worry she was causing him. She so wanted to tell him all about John; his anger, his problems, and how he had thought so little of her, of her message to him, to reach out and strike her. The painful memory brought her great shame, to be belittled in such a cruel way was not anything she had ever experienced before. The blow had brought her humiliation and for the first time she could remember, she truly felt genuine dislike for one of God’s children.
Getting out of bed, Monica walked over to her window. The sun was just rising over the lake and she sighed. She needed to snap herself out of this; she needed to move past her last assignment. Andrew was right. She wasn’t feeling very confident in any of her abilities and she knew that wasn’t like her. She was ignoring who God created her to be and that wasn’t right, or even mildly angelic.
Staring at the lake, she made up her mind. Grabbing her swimsuit, from where it hung drying over a chair, she rushed into the bathroom to change into it. Then, grabbing a towel, she slipped down the stairs quietly. Any other time, she would have woken Andrew, but Monica knew she needed to do this on her own. It was a little thing, really, but she felt as if it was something she simply had to do. At least it would be a start.
As she slipped a toe into the water, she felt a little shiver go through her. The water wasn’t nearly as warm this early in the morning as it had been yesterday afternoon, but she forced herself to move forward anyway. Andrew had tried to teach her how to swim on several different occasions and though she had always felt a wee bit doubtful, she tried now to drive those thoughts from her mind.
Monica moved slowly through the water until it was up to her neck, then ignoring her rapidly beating heart, she drew in a deep breath and dove below the surface.
It was so cold!
The little angel resurfaced with a gasp, but was still determined to prove to herself that she could swim. Recalling the strokes Andrew had taught her, she began to swim across the lake, only focused on the task at hand.
Ten minutes later, she stopped swimming to catch her breath and that was when she realized she could no longer touch the bottom of the lake. Struggling to tread water, despite how tired she suddenly felt, Monica looked back to shore and realized how far she had come. She was nearly in the middle of the lake! Feeling a growing sense of panic, the little angel began to paddle back towards shore, but the effort of swimming so far and of using muscles she hadn’t used before in her human form took its toll on her body as a terrible cramp in her leg suddenly took her breath away.
Desperately, she struggled to keep her head above water, but kicking was so painful that for a moment, she sank below the surface, fighting with her arms to get back out of the water in order to fill her lungs with air. At the moment when she felt certain her lungs would surely burst, Monica gave one more frantic attempt and broke the surface with an audible gasp. She was sobbing now, certain that drowning, her greatest fear was inevitable. As she slipped back beneath the water, her cries caused water to fill her throat.
She was fighting as hard as she could and it still wasn’t enough. The fleeting question crossed her mind about if angels could truly die as just then, she felt strong arms grab hold of her and then she was breaking the surface and gasping and coughing.
Andrew had felt her panic in his sleep and had hurtled himself out of bed in a desperate search for the little angel. It was the Father alone, who had directed him to the lake and not a moment too soon.
“I’ve got you, Monica. Relax. You’re all right.” He swam with one arm while the other supported her and kept her head above the water. It was a wonder he could even speak with his heart racing as fast as it was. He had raced out of the cabin and had seen the little angel, yards away from him, struggling to stay above water. It was a memory he was certain he’d have nightmares about for weeks.
Andrew carried her out of the water and setting her on her feet in the sand, he grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her, noticing how badly she was shivering and he knew it was from fear as well as the cold water. His trembling hands grasped her shoulders and then rested on either side of her head, “Monica? Are you all right?”
The cramp was now gone though she was shaking so badly she wasn’t sure how she was standing, “Y…yes.” She managed to say, trying in vain to calm herself. She had never felt that frightened before, ever. What had she been thinking to go out in the lake on her own?
But a very terrified Andrew was having the same thoughts and his words came out in a rush of anger only fueled by his fear for her safety, “What were you thinking? Why would you not wake me up before you went out in the lake? You never swim alone, Monica, ever! You know that! Do you have any idea of how it felt to see you out there? To be so afraid that I wouldn’t get to you in time?” He removed his hands from her head to run them through his own hair in frustration, “Why? Why would you do something so foolish? Water scares you so why on earth would you go out there alone?”
She knew he was scared. She knew it with her whole heart. His ranting was just a product of his racing heart and his fear, but still, all she could hear was John yelling at her when she had attempted to bring God’s message to him. Monica opened her mouth to speak, but no words would come.
Andrew blinked, unable to believe she was offering him nothing and he was not yet thinking rationally enough to see the distress deepen in her dark eyes. Running his hands over his face to alleviate the water that insisted on dripping down into his eyes, he then raised them in frustration, preparing to scold her once again. But what happened next caused him to completely freeze and for his stomach to twist in such a way he thought for certain he’d be sick.
As his hands had moved from his face, Monica had gasped and then closed her eyes as if anticipating pain, even as her hands moved up to block her face. Sobs of fear and great hurt were escaping her and she never saw the horror and shame that were clearly written across Andrew’s face.
He finally knew. In her terrible reaction, Andrew knew what had happened on her last assignment; what had been eating away at her little by little. The fearful anger drained from him immediately and his voice dropped to a whisper, “Oh Monica…”
His tone sounded like pity to her and she could hardly bear it. Andrew now knew her greatest humiliation and all she could do was to cover her mouth with her hand and turn away, walking towards the cabin on still trembling legs.
*****
Andrew felt rooted to the spot for a moment as anger for the one who had inflicted such pain on one he loved so much welled up inside of him. But he knew he couldn’t deal with his own feelings now. Monica was by now inside the cabin and he summoned all his courage to turn and hurry up through the sand to find her.
A few minutes later, he stood outside her bedroom door, listening to sobs that shook him to his core. He knocked and took her lack of response as an indication to enter.
She had changed out of her wet swim suit and back into her pajamas, and was now sitting on the bed, frantically wiping at the tears on her face as she saw him enter. Monica felt positively sick to her stomach; both for the fear she had put Andrew through and the devastation she felt at reacting to him as if he would strike her. She knew he never would, never in a million years, but the memories of that fateful day with John had just been so strong. She had been unable to speak outside, but now she knew she had to give him something; hurting him had never been one of her options.
“I…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that; shouldn’t have gone out into the lake without you…I thought I could do it, but then I got a cramp and I hadn’t realized how far out I had swam. I never meant to frighten you…I’m just so sorry, Andrew.”
His heart was aching as he sat down on the bed beside of her. Her eyes were red-rimmed and glassy with unshed tears and he didn’t miss the way her slight body trembled though he wasn’t certain if it was from cold or fear or just pure emotion.
“Baby, I know that and I was scared and my fear came out in a way I wish it hadn’t. I just…I couldn’t understand why you would go out there to begin with when you have so much fear of the water.” He so wanted to hold her, but right now she was talking and he wanted to keep her talking so that the truth might finally come.
Her dark eyes were downcast as she stared at her hands, unable to meet his tender gaze, “I wanted to prove something to myself. You were right last night; I don’t trust myself right now and I’m not feeling like there is much I can do right at the moment,” Her lips trembled and Monica took a moment to try to compose herself enough to speak once more, “My last assignment, it was awful, Andrew. I…I failed. John wouldn’t listen to me, but it was much worse than that.”
Slowly, Andrew’s hand came up to rest against the back of her head, hair still wet from the lake, “Angel, you know that sometimes even if they aren’t ready to hear us, God’s words can still make an impact later. It’s happened like that so many times.”
“I know that, I do. But John, he was so angry, all the time, so it wasn’t just that he wouldn’t listen to me, he got really angry with me…” She looked up, staring at an invisible spot across the room as the tears pooled in her eyes and Andrew could tell that she was struggling to finish. Her jaw was working nervously as she struggled to hold back sobs of shame and humiliation and felt his own eyes moisten at the pain in her expression.
“He was really angry,” Monica continued after a moment, “And he…” Her chin trembled and the tears overflowed from her eyes, “…and he hit me.”
The floodgates opened, but before she could bury her face in her hands, Andrew tugged her into his protective embrace, trying to shield her from the pain in her own heart. Her body wretched with the strong bottled up emotions that finally poured from her in the way of violent broken sobs. With one hand against her head, he pillowed her beneath his chin. Though he had been certain outside, moments ago of what her assignment had done, hearing the words from her lips caused a mixture of anger and deep, deep pain in his heart. Her own heart was so tender and so trusting and she had always felt such certainty in the words the Father gave her for each assignment that rejection alone always hurt her, but the physical pain that had accompanied that rejection this time had caused a splintering in her spirit.
“I’m so sorry,” Andrew whispered as he kissed the crown of her head repeatedly, “My sweet little angel, I’m just so sorry.”
Monica’s shoulders heaved with the pent up emotions she was finally able to release, the pain coming out in a torrent of tears. But despite the despair and grief in her gentle heart, there was also great relief; that Andrew knew, that his arms were around her and he was holding her and that he understood. It was all that mattered right now. It was the only thing that mattered.
He held her for a long time, whispering words of his love and devotion to her as his hand stroked her hair and her back, trying to bring her some small comfort. Andrew didn’t realize just how much he was doing for her, simply by holding her and wrapping his love around her in a tangible way, but he did know that she was holding onto him just as tightly.
As her crying jag began to wind down, Andrew could feel the weariness that infected her entire body and he moved just enough to lie back in the bed with her in his arms, his free hand settling the blanket over them. It was still early and he had a feeling Monica had not been sleeping properly to begin with.
“Andrew…this morning…I’m so sorry-.”
“Shh,” He whispered, moving to kiss her forehead, “We’ll talk later, baby. Right now, I just want you to rest.”
Monica sniffled, “Okay,” Her voice sounded like that of a little child, obediently doing what was asked of her. She could feel Andrew’s heart beating beneath her ear, could feel his strong arms around her and his lips brushing against her hair every few seconds and her exhausted body melded against his.
As her eyelids began to droop, Andrew gave her a gentle squeeze, “I love you so much, precious angel.”
*****
When Monica awoke it was much later in the afternoon and she felt a tiny touch of a headache. Moving her hand to her forehead to try to soothe it away, she gave a tiny sigh. Even she could tell she had a slight fever, probably from the extremely cold water as well as from going to sleep with wet hair.
She frowned when she saw that Andrew was no longer with her, but even despite her slightly stuffy nose, she could smell a mixture of coffee and soup and knew that he had been busy simply taking care of her. Climbing out of bed, Monica slipped on a hooded sweatshirt she found in the closet for additional warmth as a slight chill had settled into her bones, and then she went in search of her beloved angel of death.
Her stocking feet scarcely made a sound in the hallway and she came to the entrance for the living room, she saw Andrew perched on the edge of the sofa cushion staring into the fire, his expression pensive. Monica regarded him in silence for a moment, wondering what could be causing such a worried countenance upon his handsome face. He seemed miles away and then she would notice a flicker of pain in his green orbs that caused a subsequent ache in her heart and then suddenly she knew as if he had told her himself.
Walking over to him, this time is was Monica who knelt down in front of him, bringing him from his reverie.
“Angel,” Andrew attempted a smile, but for the little angel, it didn’t disguise what he was really thinking about.
Serious brown eyes peered up into his, taking in every feature of his face, every trace of sadness as she wrapped his hands up in her much smaller ones. Monica could see the confusion on his face, yet all she could think of was placing his heart at ease.
“Andrew,” Her voice was scarcely a whisper as she brought their conjoined hands to her heart, “Please know that I know with my entire heart that you would never, ever hurt me. I knew you weren’t going to hit me this morning; that you would never dream of doing something like that. You don’t even have that kind of anger inside of you, not even for anyone else, yet alone for me.” She watched his expression change to one of surprise and a tiny smile flitted across her lips, “You aren’t the only one who can tell what those they love the most are thinking, Andrew.”
A nearly inaudible chuckle escaped him, “I forget sometimes just how perceptive you are, Monica.” He then faltered at his attempt at lightening things up and he sighed softly, “This morning, when you flinched and tried to defend yourself…Angel, I wanted to die.”
“But don’t you see? It wasn’t you. I’ve been able to think of nothing but John since that assignment ended, Andrew. Your scolding me was just that and you had every right to be upset. My human form, it could have drowned out there had you not been there and that would have caused you such pain, regardless of how quickly the Father brought us back together again.” Bringing his hands to her lips, she kissed his knuckles lovingly and with great trust, “Your tone, brought on by fear for my safety, just made me think of John and the way he spoke to me just before…just before he hit me. I was caught up in those memories, Andrew and those memories are what caused my reaction. You would never hurt me. I know that as sure as I’m here with you now.”
Dark eyes studied his face, his eyes as she watched some of the tension drain away from him, “I love you so much, Andrew. You are my love and protection, never my harm.”
Releasing her hands, Andrew delicately and instinctively rested his palm against the offended cheek, watching as she drew in a sharp breath at his own perception, “You are my heart, Angel as it beats for you alone.” Moving closer, his lips grazed her cheek and caught the single tear that escaped her eye.
But then concern clouded his expression once more, “Baby, you have a fever.”
“I think I may have caught a wee cold from this morning,” she confessed, knowing the doting that was about to happen and she was right. No sooner were the words out that Andrew had pulled her up to sit back on the sofa and was wrapping a quilt around her legs and yet another one around her shoulders and Monica couldn’t help but to laugh, “Andrew, I’m all right.”
But he shook his head firmly, “Your human form has always been delicate, baby, and you and I both know that if you don’t take care of a cold, it will end being something much worse. So, please, no arguments.”
“Oh no, Andrew, no arguments,” Her dark eyes showed a bit of despair, as she didn’t want him thinking she was defying him when he just wanted to take care of her, “It’s just that I don’t want you to worry so much, but I’d never argue with you.”
Sensing her remorse, Andrew smiled, “Angel, I know that and I know you weren’t arguing. It’s just that you can be quite a stubborn little angel girl at times,” He kissed her forehead lovingly, “And that is just one of the reasons I love you so much.” Seeing her gentle smile reappear, he leaned back, “Let me fix you some tea and then perhaps we could talk.”
“But you’ve already made coffee. I could smell it as soon as I woke up,” Monica pointed out, “So there is really little sense to make tea too.”
“Well, generally, there wouldn’t be, unless a certain little angel managed to get sick and I know for a fact that tea will soothe her throat much better than coffee.” He laughed at her tiny pout, but they both knew he would not give in to it, “I’ll be right back. Are you hungry? You barely touched your dinner last night.”
“I know, but I don’t have much appetite right now,” Seeing his stern expression, she relented, “Maybe some toast?”
“Done. Be right back, sweetie.”
Monica watched him disappear into the kitchen and she sighed. She wasn’t sure she was ready to talk about John and her feelings about the whole thing, but she also knew that in doing so, Andrew would find the right words to make her feel better. He always did.
*****
An hour later, Monica lay cuddled up in Andrew’s arms as she told him all the details about her assignment with John; his anger, his drug problem, the way he abused his wife and how their son had been modeling his behavior.
Andrew watched the wide range of emotions that wafted across her lovely face as she talked about all of it. It was all he could do to conceal his anger at her assignment. Yes, humans had problems and that was the reason that angels were sent to them, but for anyone to strike an angel; for anyone to strike Monica, was almost more than he could bear. She was the gentlest soul he had ever met and she would never do anything to harm another, yet someone had thought so little of her to inflict pain. It was something he was having great difficulty reconciling within himself.
“You know, none of it is your fault, Angel. He wasn’t ready to hear you, not that he had any reason to hurt you. No one does.”
“It’s not just that, Andrew,” She whispered softly, shame coloring her already flushed with fever cheeks, “When he hit me, it was….it was almost like he was striking out at God in such a horrible way. I just kept thinking that I had delivered the truth so badly that he needed to reject God forcefully…and the only way John could do that was through me.”
“Now hold on a minute,” Andrew pulled away to look directly into her sad, dark eyes, “Delivering the truth badly? Monica, those words don’t even belong in the same sentence when we are talking about you. You were created to tell the truth and no matter how many other angels I have worked with in the past, I have never heard one tell it as openly and honestly and with such great love as you do.”
She gave a tiny shrug, “I didn’t get it right this time, Andrew. I couldn’t have or it wouldn’t have warranted such a hostile reaction. It’s never happened before and I have given the truth to murderers and convicts; humans in much worse places then John is now,” She looked away as tears flooded her dark eyes once more at what she perceived to be her terrible error, “There is no other option.”
But Andrew wasn’t having any of it, “Look at me,” His voice was stern, a tone he only used when the situation was dire. He saw a tearful shudder go through her and he placed his hand under her chin to turn her face towards him, “Angel, look at me.” His voice was tender this time and he watched as the tears pooled in her eyes as she struggled not to let them fall. His eyes searched hers, seeing everything she was feeling and the confusion over all of it, “Baby…” Her gaze finally met his with a blink, forcing the tears to escape and a tiny sob to escape her, “You know I would generally not disagree with anything you were feeling, but Monica, you’re wrong on this one.”
“No, I’m not…there’s no other explanation…” Her words were cut short as a soft yellow glow enveloped him and her tears came faster, “Andrew, please, no…” She knew in her heart that sometimes even an angel needed an angel, but with everything she was already feeling about her own shortcomings, it made her feel ashamed that the Father felt she was wrong enough to use Andrew to intervene.
“Shh,” a gentle finger to her lips silenced her, though the tears continued to slip from her eyes, “The Father and I both want you to know that the things you are thinking about yourself are simply not true. You delivered the truth to John just as eloquently as you ever had, maybe even more so, if that is even possible because you knew what was at stake for this man. And you’re right that John was lashing out at God. He was lashing out because he feels that God abandoned him, when the truth is really that John has never once called out to Him, and you tried to make him see that, but he wasn’t ready to admit it even to himself, Monica,” Reaching out, Andrew swiped at the tears on her face, “He had no right to hit you, none at all and that is why the Father took away the physical pain immediately, but He also knows how hard you can be on yourself and how easily this beautiful heart of yours gets hurt. That’s why He wanted me to tell you how much He loves you….and I also want to tell you, how much I love you too.”
The little angel’s heart felt so full she thought it might burst as she looked at the angel she loved the most through tear-filled eyes. In many ways, Andrew’s love was so much like that of the Father; unconditional and constant, and for them both she would be forever grateful. Somehow she managed to speak around the emotion in her throat, “I love him too,” She whispered, before she looked up into Andrew’s green eyes as the glow faded from him.
She could so clearly see in those eyes all the things he felt for her and it caused her chin to tremble and fresh tears to flood her eyes over all she was feeling, “And you….Oh Andrew….the things I feel for you make my heart ache with so much love. I can’t thank the Father enough for sending you to me in the first place and I can’t thank you enough for wanting to stay by my side…”
“My precious angel, I assure you, that pleasure has been all mine,” Andrew replied as he enfolded her into his sheltering embrace, now able to feel the contentment that came from her heart and flowed directly into his own.
“I love you so, Andrew,” Monica murmured up against his shoulder
